A letter to Myself

Four weeks ago my world imploded as my M decided he could not continue to be with me, after some familial intrusion into our personal lives that some of you will be aware of.
Ten days later, nursing my poor, shredded heart, I wrote this letter to myself.
I have since reread it twice, and though it still makes me weep, it also calms me enough to press on.

Some minor things have been changed, names omitted (the copy I have in my file uses my real name), but other than that, it’s as it was then.

Dear Han,

I’ve known you for a long time, that’s why I’m using the familiar form of your name. I want you to know, it’s going to be ok.

It’s ok that it had to end.

It’s ok that you’re sad (you can be sad, my love, I promise. No one is judging you for having a broken heart after being so happy). You can have good days where you feel strong, and giggly, and safe. You can have bad days where the slightest thing reminds you of him and your eyes ache with un-shed tears and you think you’ll never get past him.

I know how tough it has been reading those few, short, cold messages of his. It’s so easy to fall into over-analysing them and how he has turned his back on you; to immediately believe he never loved you or cared about you at all. You know that’s not true.

This is hard for him. And the best way he has to make it easier is implementing distance. He knows what he said was deeply hurtful to you – that he was never your Dom, and only did things because he thought he was doing right.

He is using these words to cope.

Imagine what he went through with his family, the accusations, the pain he has been through. He is protecting them, and himself. He has made his decision – a decision which has immeasurably hurt both of you – and you are respecting that. With time, he might be able to talk with you again, but please don’t pin your hopes on it.
Remember the wonderful times you had together, the things he has taught you about yourself.

It’s ok to enjoy TV shows he introduced yourself, or avoid songs that make you think of him.

M loved you, and being unable to love you now is making him miserable. Let having loved him make you happy and grateful that you were allowed to do so.

You didn’t do anything wrong. Please remember that. You didn’t do anything wrong. And neither did he. Stupid, yes, but not wrong. And he is being punished for that.

You will love again. You will find someone who looks past your minor physical flaws, who enjoys your weird, and makes you giggle. Someone you share in jokes and TV with. He wasn’t the only one. I know it feels like he was, but it’s been ten days. You need to grieve him. You need to let him go and allow him to be happy without you.

It’s going to be tough, but you can do this. Look after yourself. Think of him but try not to torture yourself.

And don’t convince yourself that your kink is evil and a way of justifying abuse. It is not. I don’t need to tell you that, but don’t hate yourself for who you are. A fantasy is a fantasy, it is not real life.

It won’t be easy, but you can do this. I promise you can. You need to give yourself time, though. Be grateful for friends. Cry when you need to. Look after yourself.

You loved M and it was wonderful. No one can take that from you. You loved and were loved. You are full of love.

And I love you.

Hannah x

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